Gosh, it’s been awhile since we spoke. How the heck have you been? First of all, I’m really sorry I lost track of you for so long. I guess I was so busy figuring out how to have you do my job for me that I kinda forgot what I was supposed to be doing for you. And now I’m wondering if you could help me remember. Oh, and maybe stop by more often now that the economy is recovering and all. 


I really can’t say enough about how much I appreciate all the work you and your fellow customers have done on my behalf these past 10 years. You’re the best. Busing your own tables, getting your own sodas, coming to the host stand when I buzz you, swiping your own credit cards and self-checking-out. You also have been good enough to order your own meals online and at kiosks and drive-thrus, wade through automated answering options when you call our office, never complain when the food was just “meh,” make your own reservations, go to the bartender for another beer when the server was AWOL, and leave detailed interactive voice-response feedback at our 1-800 line in exchange for a 90-cent appetizer — our cost, silly, not yours. 


And man, hasn’t this technology thing been great? Since the digital age took hold you’ve helped me and my cousin Marketing out a lot by making commercials for us, checking in at Foursquare — we hope that you’ll all be mayors someday — proactively telling your friends to eat here so you can Groupon your meal, and especially taking all that time — your time — to “fan” us on Facebook. You’re the best, really. Though maybe you could tone down all the yelling on Yelp, grousing at Google and Tweeting about trouble you had with us.


But hey, those are really just small tradeoffs for all the time you’ve saved me from having to actually figure out ways to better serve you. That extra time frees me up to concentrate on the more important elements of service. Things like, um … thinking of more efficient ways for you to serve yourself. After all, that’s saved me gobs of labor dollars, and business productivity in North America’s service companies has markedly improved in the last decade. Even if the secret to that newfound productivity is, well, you.


Wait, wait. Don’t go yet.


I felt a little guilty at first. I mean, I’ve always been the kind of guy who worked hard to make you feel good. But then our owners explained that it would save us both a lot of time if we decided exactly the kind of experience you want to have instead of asking you what you wanted. We know how busy you are, after all, and who knows our business better than us? This is so much better than the old days when I actually had to figure out what you wanted and then try to serve you better than the competition.


Service, as it turns out, is pretty hard to do, and when the bean counters said my worth couldn’t be measured anyway, I got kinda depressed. But then I realized that no one missed those lengthy, b-o-r-i-n-g manager meetings and training sessions focused on me — reviewing the complaints, assigning blame and then having to contact you to resolve it when you got upset. I guess we could have just tried to improve our systems and people to make sure you had no reason to complain in the first place, but hey, it’s a lot quicker to throw a free dessert coupon your way. And that’s when we hit on the idea of bringing my little bro, Self-Serve, into the business. Customers can’t complain about the service if they’re doing most of it. Am I right? 


But then you up and changed. You got more picky. We weren’t sure what to do.


And dang, who should come in to save the day but Marketing! He suggested we forget better hospitality and offer 99¢ burgers and three-for-one meal deals instead. And he was right! When I asked how we’d show customer appreciation if we downplayed hospitality, he stood up and said, “Three words: frequent diner programs!” and everybody applauded his modern thinking.


And sure enough, you went for it … for a while, anyway. Until my absence made the whole price-value experience seem emptier than a Kanye West apology in a Taylor Swift chat room. Turns out you like friendly people who smile and care and know the menu and don’t turn their eyes down and thank the register when they take your money. C’mon — and I say this with all due respect — would you please make up your minds? 


I’ve been around a long, long time — Grandpa Service started the business — and I know it’s difficult for operators to get excited about me. I’m not the sexiest of fundamentals. Heck, I practically make Food Safety look like George Clooney. And I’m also quite aware that I’ll never get a restaurateur’s attention the way Marketing does — not to mention his exotic new girlfriend Social Media.


But still, I know a lot of you must miss me, so I wonder: What if operators were to elevate me to the same stature that Food Safety has in their restaurants? How much would our business grow if we gave you more full service in a self-serve world? What if we built the experience around the customer as much as we do around the product? Would you stop by more often? I’m thinking you would, but I’m not sure our owners believe it anymore. 


Would our teams also get better and stay longer if we served them as well as we served you? 


Just asking, cuz in the rush to master the Next New Thing, I’ve got this nagging feeling that operators may be ignoring the Most Important Old One. 


Thank you, Customer!


—Sincerely,


Service



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